| Projects 2001: Brian Storts | ||
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Hallmark Holiday: HO HO HO Santa Clausicus Intoxicatidium In other words, the study of human beings and their interactions and behavior when introduced to a very drunk and pathological Santa Claus. |
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| Ingredients: | ||
1. |
Find one very large friend who has a fondness for liquor. | |
2. |
Persuade him by noting that there will be many beautiful women eager to sit on his lap. | |
3. |
After he agrees, wrap an entire room in Christmas themed wrapping paper; walls only. | |
4. |
Create an environment that Macy's New York would be honored to call their own.Total cost at this point: $350. |
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5. |
Rent an authentic Santa Claus costume and remember to read the fine print on the rental agreement. Cost of costume rental: $75. (contingent on the safe return and compliance of the agreed contract.) |
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6. |
Emphasize over and over again to your willing Santa participant, the details of the costume rentalÕs contractional agreement: "That stupid Santa costume I've rented will cost a buttload more if you ruin it." *Expect that your Santa stand-in will ignore the above disclaimer. | |
7. |
If your Santa requires food, feed him immediately. Nourishment inspires drinking longevity. | |
8. |
Go to liquor store and purchase all ingredients necessary to concoct something that resembles punch or sangria. Total cost: $125. |
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9. |
Beer for Santa: $75. | |
10. |
Total cost before Santa starts to drink and guests arrive: $950. | |
11. |
Total balance in my bank account: Holy Shit (Resort to patheticus credi cardicus.) | |
12. |
Additional materials needed for successful Santa include 10 packs of Polaroid film and 5 DVD cassette tapes. Total cost: $150 |
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13. |
Now that everything is completely not the way it should be, and Santa Claus is at the controls, you may begin. | |
14. |
As I mentioned earlier regarding the rental costume, my Santa did not behave responsibly. He danced through a bowl of sangria, sat in his own gravy and shoveled a very large pork burrito into his mouth, most of which ended up on his fur collar. As a result, the total cost for the Santa Claus costume: $595. |
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15. |
Grand Total: $2320. | |
Brian
Storts is a San Francisco based artist, previously did a series investigating American
Hallmark Holidays that includes Ho Ho Ho. Brian is currently running The Orchard Projects resting on 100 acres of avocado and citrus orchards 60 miles north of Los Angeles, The Orchard Projects invites artists, curators, musicians, and writers to escape studio life’s rigors and gain a critical distance from their work, their jobs, and the world at large. |
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